When I grow up...

 "For children, childhood is timeless. It is always the present. Everything is in the present tense. Of course, they have memories. Of course, time shifts a little for them and Christmas comes 'round in the end. But they don’t feel it. Today is what they feel, and when they say ‘When I grow up,’ there is always an edge of disbelief - how could they ever be other than what they are?"

 -Ian McEwan

Sometimes it's shocking to me that I am a Mom, that I am married, that I am an adult.  I still feel 15 half the time, and it seems so strange to me that no no, I am 28.  For those in their teens or early twenties who read this blog, trust me, it goes by so, so quickly.  And I know, everyone says that.  But I guess I never understood it until I realized that I AM grown up.  I'm not 15, I'm not even 22 or 23 with a big chunk of my twenties still to live.  I'm going to be 29 in May, and absolutely, 100% grown up.  But what does this even mean?  When I was a kid, I used to dream big.  I would tell everyone, anyone who would listen all about my large plans for when I was "all grown up."  I wanted to be an astronaut one day, a pioneer another (yes, I wanted to be a pioneer, someway, somehow), a doctor, a cruise director, the President.  As I got older my dreams changed, things shifted, and I got a degree in English.  I became a teacher.  I couldn't imagine doing this when I was a kid, and it's funny to me to think back to my small self and envision that little me being told of my future: you will go to school in Arizona, get a degree in English, meet your husband, go to grad school, become an English teacher, and then leave work to become a stay at home Mom.  I can only imagine the look I would have given the bearer of this news.  UM, excuse me?  But this is what my future turned out to be.  I couldn't imagine it any other way, and I feel happy and satisfied about this life that I live.  Now with a son, it's interesting to think about his future; what will he "be"? Who will he strive to become? The quote I included at the top of this post was thought provoking to me- I remember all too well those feelings of disbelief that things would ever be different than they are.  Time went by in the blink of an eye though, and looking back it seems like my childhood was over in a rushed breath.  Thinking back to particular moments it seems much slower, but overall time has gone by so very quickly.  Pondering the idea of time has been a regular thing now that Henry is here, and daily I find myself saying things like "time flies," or "where has the time gone?"  The older we get, the more aware of time we become.  Perhaps because there is an imaginary hourglass in our heads, sand falling with every second, or perhaps it's because our days aren't as slow paced as they once were.  Whatever it is, I know now that 28 years has gone by, it's interesting to look back on all of it and then again at where I am now.  Would my 5 year old self be pleased with how I turned out?  Would she look at me and say "hey, you've done a good job"?  Even though I'm not the astronaut, the pioneer, or the President, did I fulfill my dreams in my own way?  Would she be proud?

I think about this a lot, and at this point in my life I have come to a place where I can say yeah, I love where I am, I love who I have become.  28 years later and I think I can finally say this without any exceptions.  Although my life isn't exactly what I envisioned when I dreamed and dreamed as a little girl, I'd say that my "when I grow up" hopes have manifested into something even better. 

So how about you?  What did you want to be "when you grow up"?  Are you there yet?  Are you on your way?  I'd love to hear your thoughts in the comments, or if you're inspired feel free to post on this topic and link back here!

As always, thank you for reading. :)